Patterns

Pattern
Originally uploaded by sideshowknits.

I never want an ordinary life. I was on myspace today viewing some friend of a friend's wedding pictures. They looked like a typical couple and the ceremony and reception looked like everyone else's. I am sure they did something particular to them but hasn't it been done and really is nothing unique. I am not asking to be unique. I just don't want a typical exsistance. I don't want routine and I never want to know what is going to happen next. I am terrified that I will wind up 45 years old in a ranch house with my decorating going somewhere between Martha Stewart and bland. I hate the fact that if I slip, that's where it could wind up. Married with a husband too big for his britches and me chain smoking on the couch fearing the next day because wasn't it just the same as today? Or maybe it won't be quite that bad but to find myself in the same position all over again? I have defined a pattern... I want to break said pattern... but I am afraid I am just perpetuating it. Now, I have a choice... back out and regret or go with my heart and say that this isn't part of the pattern... it's different. It feels different, so it must be... right? If everything is fine, then I shouldn't be worried. Or should I be worried because it feels like a fairy tale and I should be looking underneath this bridge I'm crossing for the troll who wants to suck the marrow from my bones. I feel lost in the woods even though the path is right beneath my feet. I never wanted to stick to the path.